Behold the flotilla of futility: Captain Starmer steering for the rocks, First Mate Yvette “Pixie” Cooper rowing in circles, and Shropshire’s Cabinet enjoying the ride — blissfully unaware that the bilge is filling with council debt, migrant hotel bills, and HMO planning approvals. “We’re in control,” they shout, as the mast snaps and the taxpayers go overboard.
Processed, Packaged, and Posted to Shropshire
Fifty thousand. That’s the number of people who have crossed the Channel in small boats this year. Yes, 50,000. That’s almost the population of Shrewsbury — if Shrewsbury arrived all at once in dinghies. According to the Government, they’ve all been “processed.” Which, in political English, means: We did something vague in a building somewhere, then ticked a box saying ‘Job Done’.
Do we know who they are? Where they’re from? Their life stories? No — but the Government assures us they’re all “suitable for the community.” Presumably in the same way that a fox is suitable for a chicken coop.
Step One: The Hotel Tour
Once “processed” (still not defined), they’re whisked away to hotels across Britain — a sort of all-inclusive, taxpayer-funded gap year — before being uprooted again and embedded into “local communities.”
Which, in Whitehall terms, means they’re dropped into places like Oswestry, Ludlow, Whitchurch, Cleobury Mortimer, Market Drayton, Wem, Shrewsbury, Telford — anywhere that’s just far enough from SW1 for ministers not to have to look at it.
Step Two: Watch the Local Politicians Sprint for Cover
You might imagine our MPs, councillors and community leaders would notice. Perhaps they’d even say:
“Sorry, our towns are at breaking point — housing, GP surgeries, schools. We literally can’t take more people in.”
Instead, we get… silence. Tumbleweed. The sound of another council officer clicking “add to basket” on Vinted while “working from home.”
They always bleat about “no money” for services. Here’s a free idea: say no to a couple of your pet projects, get the staff out of their home offices, and maybe — just maybe — do the job you’re paid for.
Two Tier Starmer & Pixie Cooper’s Vanishing Act
And for the wokes, left-wingers and professional disbelievers: Two Tier Starmer and his sidekick Yvette ‘Pixie’ Cooper would like you to believe that when these “guests” are finally moved out of their very comfortable hotels (well, they were comfortable), they simply vanish like the morning mist. A gentle poof — and they’re gone.
Well, wake up people. Join the dots. They don’t vanish — they relocate. To towns like yours. Perhaps even to the house next door. If you listen closely, you can almost hear the removal van reversing down your street… after midnight, of course.
The Cheek of Bhupinderjit Singh Sidhu
And speaking of chancers… Mr Bhupinderjit Singh Sidhu. Rejected for planning permission to turn 23 Cross Street, Oswestry into an HMO. Sensible decision, right? Well, guess what — he’s reapplied.
And if you think 23 Cross Street is just a harmless one-off, think again. The smart money says it’s a dummy run for the real prize — the Smithfield Hotel. Because why stop at one converted eyesore when you can turn an entire former hotel into a multi-storey cash cow of bunk beds?
Enter Joe Salt – The “Go-To” Guy
Of course, no HMO empire is complete without someone who knows how to navigate the paperwork — or “negotiate with the council” in the most elastic sense of the term. Enter Joe Salt, the developer’s go-to man for planning matters. If there’s a way to get an HMO through, Joe’s got the forms, the contacts, and the persistence to keep chipping away until the ‘no’ becomes a grudging ‘oh alright then.’
Step Three: Shropshire – The Silent Sponge
Shropshire’s now on the receiving end of the national “out of sight, out of mind” policy. Drop them here, hope the locals stay quiet. Except the locals are not quiet — the councillors are.
Why? Possibly because it’s easier to fund a pet project about “community inclusivity” than to have a difficult conversation about whether the infrastructure can actually cope.
Meanwhile, in the Counting House…
And speaking of infrastructure — let’s take a look at Shropshire Council’s latest stroke of fiscal genius.
Councillors have bravely pencilled in a mere £18 million in cuts — but an additional £13 million is already somewhere between “planning to think about it” and “just not happening.”
Meanwhile, they’re moonlighting as energy consultants: proposing we merge food and green bins, hand out eco-composters, and set museum hours to “times when people are asleep.” Classy.
We’re told the social care tsunami will be tamed by people contributing to their own costs — or maybe by sprinkling fairy dust over the overspend.
Shrewsbury’s streetlights might soon go as dark as councillors’ moral courage — and that’s oddly fitting.
And let’s not forget the missing Rural Services Grant — £9 million vanishes, reducing our ability to keep roads, bins, or sanity intact.
All of which means they’re raiding the reserves again, which is the political equivalent of selling the family silver to pay the gas bill… and then blaming the weather.
And Here’s the Kicker…
While councillors wring their hands about budget black holes, they’re also green-lighting or ignoring the slow-motion takeover of our towns by HMO developers — the very same HMOs increasingly housing migrants fresh off the small boats.
Every time an HMO conversion is approved — or an appeal slips through — the council inherits the costs: extra GP registrations, school places, social services, bin collections, enforcement, policing, you name it. It’s not just a planning issue; it’s a permanent, rolling invoice to the taxpayer.
And who’s pocketing the profits? Not the community — but developers like Bhupinderjit Singh Sidhu, with his eye on both 23 Cross Street and the Smithfield Hotel, cheered on by his paperwork man Joe Salt.
So when the council tells you they can’t fix the potholes because they’re “out of money,” remember this: they’re funding a housing pipeline for people we didn’t invite, in properties we didn’t need converting, under policies we didn’t vote for — and they still have the brass neck to call it “managing demand.”
Here’s the Reality
While councils cry poverty, they:
- Fund “strategic visions” no one reads.
- Approve staff “wellbeing days” in the middle of service backlogs.
- Let officers “work flexibly” — which in practice seems to involve shopping, dog-walking, and pretending to answer emails.
I say, don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining.
Meanwhile, the towns absorb more pressure, the queues get longer, and the problems grow — but at least the policy papers get laminated.
Cllr Heather “Our Lady of Permissive Planning” Kidd – silent as ever, perhaps confusing HMOs with ‘Housing for Migrant Opportunities’. One suspects she’d green-light a tenement block if it came with a carbon-neutral flowerbed. SILENCE
Cllr Duncan “The Last Green in the Village” Kerr – ever the master of optical concern, recently suggested trimming the 22 beds to 14. Because nothing says resistance like negotiating with the developers over how many bunk beds per cubic metre are palatable. So, he’s apparently willing to negotiate with the BLOB — that amorphous mass of bureaucrats, developers and legal vagueness — but not with the very people who voted him in. Democracy by clipboard, not by conscience. SILENCE
Cllr James “Captain House-Share” Owen – whose tenure as Housing Portfolio Holder has seen more communal kitchens installed than IKEA’s spring catalogue. A champion of “managed decline,” he’s become the unofficial patron saint of passive planning approvals. SILENCE
Final Thought
The system is broken — and so is the spine of anyone who’s supposed to represent us. The next time you hear “we’re full,” it won’t be about the country. It’ll be about the inbox of the council officer who’s too busy to read another complaint about housing……….or anything.
Welcome to the new Shropshire: fully booked, permanently on hold, and run by people who think saying “no” might scuff their career prospects.
Shout-Out: Real Public Service in Action
Credit where it’s due — not everyone in public service is asleep at the wheel. Last week in Church Stretton, Police Constable Henry King-Salter, Safer Neighbourhood Officer, went above and beyond the call of duty. While on patrol, he intercepted a gang of fraudsters targeting pensioners with an extortionate “tree trimming” scam. Thanks to his quick action, the offenders were stopped before they could pocket a penny.
That, councillors, is what “public service” actually looks like.
The Alternative Council 