“BRITANNIA FOR SALE: EVERYTHING MUST GO — INCLUDING YOUR VOTE“
A Cabinet of Clowns. A Manifesto of Mayhem. And a Blob with a thirst for borderless betrayal.
Featuring a “lie a day” Keir and his cabinet of clowns.
Ah yes. Labour — that once-proud party of the working man, now indistinguishable from a Davos wine reception with slightly more oat milk. They’ve arrived, not to fix Britain (don’t be silly), but to administer its decline. Efficiently, if possible. Inclusively, of course. And with all the patriotic fervour of a Brussels functionary in a Rejoin hoodie.
Let’s take a walk through the latest instalment of “Great British Sell-Off”, curated by none other than Sir Keir “Might As Well Be Beige” Starmer and his all-star cast of recycled Blairites, spreadsheet fetishists, and policy cowards.
Chagos Islands: Sovereignty? That’s So 20th Century
In a move so generous it should come with its own charity gala, Labour has decided to give away
the Chagos Islands — our sovereign territory — to Mauritius. Naturally, this was done without asking the native Chagossians, who want to remain British. But not to worry: we’re now renting back part of it for a modest £101 million a year. That’s right — we’re paying rent on our own military base. Genius.
One wonders: how long before we hand over Gibraltar to Spain with a handwritten apology and the Falklands to Argentina wrapped in a bow from John Lewis?
Fishing Rights: Betrayal on Ice
Labour’s version of “Taking Back Control” appears to mean giving it straight to the French — again. EU trawlers have been granted another 12 years to plunder British waters while Grimsby fishermen are told to “diversify their expectations.” This isn’t a trade deal. It’s a hostage negotiation, and we lost.
Farmers: Rewilding Their Patience
Under Labour’s inheritance tax overhaul, family farms will now be taxed into oblivion unless they start holding funerals in haylofts and keeping HMRC on speed dial. And if you object, you’re either “anti-environment,” “far-right adjacent,” or “uncooperative.” That’s modern discourse for you. But fear not — those pesky food shortages will soon be solved by importing beetroot hummus from Belgium.
Still, it’s all worth it — so long as Ed Miliband gets to export your tractor job to Guangzhou in the name of Net Zero.
Net Zero: The Great British Job Export Scheme
Ah yes, Ed “Bacon Sandwich” Miliband is now running the country’s green revolution — presumably
because Chris Packham was unavailable. Labour’s plan is to create 170,000 green jobs… in China. Yes, while we dismantle steelworks in Redcar and cancel your boiler, Shenzhen will boom on the back of British guilt and Miliband’s moral compass (which appears to be solar-powered and always facing east).
NHS: Waiting in Line for Hope
Labour boasts that NHS agency spending is down — mostly because no one wants to work there anymore. Meanwhile, waiting lists have reached biblical proportions. But fret not: Starmer promises they’ll be fixed by 2029. Which is handy, because by then we’ll all be in queue for climate re-education, or dead.
But hope is on the horizon. A “digital solution” is coming soon — just after the Health Secretary’s next photo op in a freshly painted corridor. Meanwhile, if you’re bleeding, try rebooting yourself.
A&E departments now operate like airport lounges: overcrowded, underfunded, and likely to leave you emotionally broken.
Ambulance response times? Think of it not as a delay, but as a character-building exercise in stoicism. The elderly waiting 14 hours on a trolley aren’t suffering — they’re merely participating in an immersive tribute to wartime Britain.
In short: Britain’s health service is safe — securely taped to the side of a desk in Whitehall, next to the lobbying contracts and a copy of How to Outsource Without Getting Blamed.
But hope is on the horizon. A “digital solution” is coming soon — just after the Health Secretary’s next photo op in a freshly painted corridor. Meanwhile, if you’re bleeding, try rebooting yourself.
And Now… The Blob Tent Revue!
🎩 Keir Starmer — He’s been pro-Brexit, anti-Brexit, pro-woman, pro-woke, pro-ULEZ, pro-U-turn. A man who’s taken so many positions, his political spine now resembles a collapsible IKEA coat rack. A political origami in human form. Can fold into any position, preferably while holding a focus group transcript.
🧾 Rachel Reeves — Former Bank of England economist, or Rachel from complaints, now Chancellor of Redistribution. She can’t tell you where the money’s coming from, but rest assured it involves “fairness,” “fiscal stability,” and the confiscation of your shed.
🥦 Ed Miliband — The only man to botch a bacon sandwich and get promoted. Now in charge of dismantling energy independence — and probably replacing your gas hob with a wok powered by regret. But, you will get a free copy of that famous Korean cook book “101 Ways to Wok Your Dog” by Kim Jong II.
🚬 Angela Rayner — Still dodging more addresses than a rogue landlord. Says she’s working class, but you’re more likely to spot her in a chauffeur-driven Prius than the Aldi freezer aisle. Thinks she is working class – but we know better, don’t we? Watch your back Keir, she’s coming for you.
👻 Tony Blair — Not technically in government, but always haunting the corridors like a digital ID banshee. If you listen closely, you can still hear him whisper, “global governance.”
📺 David Cameron — No longer Foreign Secretary (thank heaven for small mercies), but always ready to appear in a puff piece about how good things used to be before he broke the country and fled to a luxury shed.
💄 Yvette Cooper — The Ever-Worried Face of Empty Assurance
The perpetual headmistress of “deep concern,” Yvette Cooper can be relied upon for one thing:
looking incredibly serious while saying absolutely nothing. Whether it’s immigration, policing, or a national scandal involving missing files and missing accountability, Cooper’s response is always the same: furrowed brows, firm tones, and a follow-up promise to “review the procedures.”
She’s the political equivalent of a smoke alarm with no batteries — loud, present, and utterly useless in a real emergency. If there’s a hard decision to be made, you can be certain Yvette’s in the next room drafting a strongly-worded regret.
🪞 Peter Mandelson: The Prince of Darkness, reborn as a podcast pundit. Still pulling strings, still sipping, still unelected – and still convinced your opinion should be managed, not heard.
🗯️ David Lammy: Foreign Secretary (in waiting for a brain). Known mainly for shouting “racism!” and booking business-class flights to climate summits in his socks. Mostly spotted on international panels, berating Britain in fluent Californian. Sometimes persued by an angry taxi driver.
Wes Streeting: Health Secretary Armed with no medical background and a spreadsheet, he’s curing everything — except the actual patients. GPs are now rarer than unicorns, A&E is a dystopian escape room, and nurses are apparently the real financial threat.
Out of 68 million people, is this the best we could drag out from the shallow end of the talent pool?
Defence Review? More Like Defence Removal
“Secure at Home, Strong abroad”
or
“Skint at Home, Submissive Abroad“
or
“We’re Not Ready for War, But We’re Excellent at Apologising.”
In under a year, 37,762 have crossed illegally — but don’t worry, Surkeir’s got a strongly worded mission statement somewhere. And if you don’t like that one, he’s got several more.
Secure? We can’t even secure a GP appointment, a border, or a tin of beans without it being scanned, taxed, and checked for unconscious bias. Knife crime’s a postcode lottery, the police are busy dancing at carnivals, and our pensioners are choosing between heat and dignity.
Strong abroad? Please. We’ve gone from aircraft carriers to carrier pigeons. Our foreign policy is now a combination of symbolic flag-waving and heartfelt grovelling — often at the same time. If we get any stronger, we’ll need to apologise in advance for future sanctions.
It’s less a slogan, more a parody — the kind of phrase you print on a tea towel, shortly before selling the factory that made it to Beijing.
Britain’s Armed Forces are now so lean they’re practically invisible. The so-called “defence review” appears to be a Microsoft Word find-and-replace: replace “military readiness” with “strategic flexibility” and “global force projection” with “diversity targets met.”
Should Argentina so much as blink at the Falklands, we’ll be forced to deploy a sternly-worded tweet and a commemorative stamp.
And so, to the Ballot Box…
They’ll say, “You can’t vote Reform — they’ve never governed before!”
To which I say:
“And how’s that been working out for you?”
At this point, Reform UK could form a Cabinet from the Wetherspoons Breakfast Club in Oswestry — and they’d still show more common sense, grit and national loyalty than the Blob’s current parade of polished incompetents.
Final Word: Bring the Paddles — Britain’s Flatlining
Britain doesn’t need more “leaders” — we’ve already got enough of those reading from autocues and blinking at reality like rabbits at a fireworks display. What this country needs is a political defibrillator — something with voltage, not vapour.
We need blunt truth over bleating spin, real courage over curated optics, and a party that treats Britain’s sovereignty like a sacred trust — not a bargaining chip in a game of Guardian-approved diplomacy.
Because if one more minister calls treachery “transition” and betrayal “progress,” the only transition we’ll see is from being a sovereign nation to an apologetic outpost of global group think. and civil war with Reformers on one side, and the left-wing blob on the other, and don’t forget the Muslims.
The Alternative Council 