We’re Net Zero and Net Broke – But Morally Radiant

“This island is made mainly of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organising genius could produce a shortage of both.”
— Aneurin Bevan, Labour MP and founding father of the NHS

Ah, Bevan. A man who could spot a political farce when he saw one. Little did he know that decades later, his homeland – still afloat on a veritable sea of oil, gas, coal and cod – would voluntarily turn off the lights, abandon its own resources, and declare a “climate emergency” while importing wood

chips from North America to burn as “green energy and solar panels from China, built by slave lobour and world leaders in non-green energy.” All in the noble pursuit of net zero – a phrase now so loaded with political sanctimony it ought to come with its own carbon credit.

Welcome to Great Britain: The Comedy of Climate Errors, where we:

• Tax the poor for daring to boil a kettle.
• Sub our own industries out to countries with higher emissions.
• And follow the energy wisdom of a man who couldn’t eat a bacon sandwich without looking like he was undergoing minor surgery.

Yes, we’re going there. From record-breaking energy bills to electric vehicle delusions, to Shropshire’s very own Climate Emergency (now available in budget-sapping form), we’ll dive headfirst into the green-tinted rabbit hole. We may be broke, cold, and entirely ineffective on the global stage — but at least we’re morally superior while doing it.

Let the satire begin.

Part One: World-Class Energy Prices – And Not in a Good Way

Britain has finally topped the leaderboard – not for football, not for literacy, not even Eurovision. No, we’ve seized the gold medal for the most expensive electricity in the developed world. Rejoice! Your patriotic contribution is recorded each month on your direct debit.

How did we get here? Was it global markets? Greedy suppliers? Gremlins in the wires? No, dear reader – it’s home-grown policy. A glorious concoction of carbon levies, green subsidies, and bureaucratic brilliance. Roughly £11 billion a year is spent keeping the lights green – not necessarily on, but green – and we all foot the bill. There’s even a phrase for it now: “Fuel Poverty” – the cold comfort of knowing you’re saving the planet while wrapped in three jumpers and eating cold beans by candlelight.

The irony? We’re perched on vast reserves of oil, gas and coal. Enough to keep the whole country toasty and well-lit, if only someone in Westminster could locate a map, a match, and a shred of common sense.

Part Two: Electric Dreams and Fiscal Nightmares

Government fantasy number 47: “Let’s make every vehicle electric by 2035!” said someone in Whitehall, possibly while driving a diesel to a climate summit.

The UK currently has over 41 million vehicles. To convert them all to electric would require a national infrastructure project so immense, it makes HS2 look like a Lego set. Estimates for just the infrastructure upgrades come in at over £200 billion. That doesn’t include the cost of the cars themselves (averaging around £40,000 each) or the inevitable “oops, the grid’s not ready” follow-up spending.

Want to charge your car at home? Better hope you’ve got off-street parking and a copper-lined driveway. Want to charge it publicly? Bring a picnic – and maybe a sleeping bag.

To power all these cars, we’d need six new Hinkley Point-sized nuclear plants or the equivalent in wind farms, unicorn tears and wishful thinking. Meanwhile, the taxman is standing by with a chisel, ready to fill the £30+ billion black hole left by disappearing fuel duty – possibly with a road tax that charges you for the sin of moving.

But think of the emissions saved! Yes, all 1% of global emissions – that’s our share. Less than China emits in a long weekend.

Part Three: Net Zero Britain – Notice the Difference?

We could turn off every light, bury every car, eat only moss and ride goats to work – and the world’s climate would barely notice. The UK accounts for less than 1% of global CO₂ emissions. Our contribution is so small, even Greta’s spreadsheets need a magnifying glass to find us.

Meanwhile, the big players – China, India, the US – are busy building coal plants, manufacturing our solar panels, and politely ignoring our moral leadership. Yet here we are, sacrificing our industries, freezing our pensioners, and layering carbon-neutral sanctimony like compost over a collapsing economy. It’s as if we believe climate change only responds to British politeness.

Part Four: Ed Miliband and the Bacon Butty Apocalypse

Enter stage left: Ed Miliband, the man, the myth, the sandwich incident.

As Energy Secretary, Miliband gifted us the 2008 Climate Change Act – a world-first in legally mandated self-flagellation. Now, as Labour’s climate champion, he’s demanding £28 billion a year for green investments – while reassuring us that all this spending will make energy cheaper. Presumably the same way buying a yacht will make you better at saving. Ed once tried to look “relatable” by eating a bacon sandwich. He ended up looking like a man being attacked by the concept of meat. If that’s the photo-op, just imagine what a national grid rewire looks like under his command.

Part Five: Shropshire Council Declares a Climate Emergency – and Then the Heating Broke

And now, to the shires. Shropshire Council bravely declared a Climate Emergency™ in 2019. Since then, they’ve spent millions – on trees, solar panels, LED streetlamps, and even a biochar-producing pyrolysis plant (no, really).

The plant converts waste into charcoal and warm feelings. The council calls it “cutting edge”. Others call it “cutting the budget”. And what’s the result? Council emissions have gone up. That’s right. After the emergency was declared, and after all the money, Shropshire Council is now emitting more CO₂ than before. Truly a triumph of style over substance. Or perhaps just more hot air.

Closing Thoughts: Virtue Is Expensive, and So Is Irony

We’re told net zero is inevitable, necessary and noble. But at what cost? Britain is spending itself into an economic frostbite chasing a moral high ground that’s rapidly turning into a budgetary sinkhole.

We’re not leading the world. We’re not saving the planet. We’re just really, really good at self-punishment.

Still, at least we’ve got the pyrolysis plant. And Ed Miliband. And 102,000 trees.

So when the lights go out and the kettle’s banned, remember: it’s for the climate. And there’s nothing more British than enduring disaster with a stiff upper lip and a sarcastic blog post.

Mean while the other Ed is still acting the fool.